Of course given my age I have tons of time to ponder this, or not ponder this. All of my friends (give the exception of Hillary since she is married to Stian) are in and out of relationships, including myself. I've made a shit ton of mistakes. Letting people manipulate me and use me, letting myself lose my glow, rearranging my life for someone else who doesn't give back, trying way too hard for someone who doesn't try back, losing myself over someone who doesn't really care. I know in my heart that I do try way too hard, and put way too much of myself into a relationship from the get-go. I guess I know that I need to slow my pace and quit jumping into things, but also in my heart I feel like that's what should be happening. Shouldn't you want to get to know so much about that person and just take it all in? When you like someone that much while enjoying their company, it's suppose to feel overwhelming in a positive way. But then again, I have pretty much stopped wasting my time on people who don't deserve it anymore. This was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. I burned myself pretty bad multiple times retrying the lesson and coming up with the same results all of the time and not learning from it.
I always thought that I couldn't handle being on my own because I've pretty much been in a relationship since I was 14-15 years old. My first relationship was the obvious statements: naive, immature, innocent, blind. I was the middle/high school girl with her first boyfriend, so no matter what the situation, I was always in awe-even in the worst of times. The relationship lasted three years. I admit, that was when I was the most unhurt by people, so the feelings I had were so pure. I've become pretty jaded since then, but that's workable.
Ever since I moved to Madison I haven't met this many asshole guys ever! I've learned a lot from my mistakes. That's one things that's different, I'm starting to learn from my mistakes for once! Anyway, so I texted one of my friends saying "I'm tired of dudes." And she replied, "All guys are assholes, to be honest." NOW: i totally beg to differ. Yes, after all of the douches bags I have met, I should be pretty jaded and callous, but after thinking things through in my heart, I don't think that's true and I still have hope. I still have hope that I'll meet the one for me, even if it isn't soon. I have a fuck ton of time, and I'm learning to love myself in the process of being alone so I really cannot complain. The biggest thing is the how you change after being raped. I can't believe I speak publicly about this, I did in my old blog to get my frustrations out. I mean, who really cares though? Why should I not talk about it? The effects are so fucking backwards that people can never guess them and will never understand them. I guess everyone is different in how they deal with it and I've come to find out that I'm not the only one who reacted like I did. You start to seek sex with meaning to actually feel some sort of love. After a few mistakes, you realize that none of them had meaning. Either you continue on that way and never learn that lesson, or stop and wait patiently for someone who understands and will love you no matter what.
Also, a lot of people have been coming to me asking "since when are you religious, Chelsea?" Well, I've always amused the thought of being a Christian and I totally wouldn't call myself that. I can view all religions, it's really not that difficult. It's actually quite a beautiful thing if you can. I think there's less hate/indifference/resentment that way. But even getting to know a little bit of/talking to Brandt Russo here and there was a good thing for me, and having Kari as my nearest and dearest mama bear has helped me so much too. It really shows me that everything happens for a reasons and I should never lose hope.
My perception on my family's dynamic changed quite a bit too this past weekend, and even some today. Being a live-in nanny, we started taking the kids to a place called The Little Gym every Thursday morning. While the big kids play, i look after Berkley while she watches the rest of them. I was looking around at all of the mothers with their tots, and it just made me overwhelmingly love my mother. I used to give her the hardest time because she was single and we never had much money, child support or not. I always felt like I never had enough and would blame it on her because I never really saw what she was going through. It made me think of my Mom playing with me like they were.
One of my brother's friends who has become one of mine was comparing Andrew and I. I've never been able to grasp Andrew in a bunch, and I thought he probably didn't like me/think that much of me at all. After all, I'm "Andrew's little sister." But I'm glad about the talk I had, I even cried because it made me realize a lot of things, things that I wouldn't allow myself to ever think about. I never saw that i was subconsciously shutting them out everyday for so long. We are more alike than I realize, and even though we are polar opposites, we are still so much alike in the way we talk, our mannerisms sense of humor, our words, physical appearance, everything. I'm just way more emotional than he is, well I guess just more outspoken about my feelings. He's the hardcore meat eater and I'm the lactose intolerant vegetarian..Oh and he has the best girlfriend!
Even my friends, I have great friends! Ones that I never saw myself even talking to in high school because my mind was always somewhere else at that time. But that's the way life happens, right?
I read this cute woman's blog and it opened up a lot to me that I still have hope that I won't be alone forever, and I'll have a wonderful relationship someday (hopefully sooner rather than later, but PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE CHELSEA!)
http://mandysuzannereid.blogspot.com/
Everyone should visit it.
Also: It's starting to feel like Fall!
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