T-shirts for the Zoo Run Run came in!

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A few things I would like to address:

There was a post on tumblr (you can probably find the link on my tumblr blog) addressing some "sexist" comment that I apparently made. It was about how a girl/woman can be as slutty as she wants, but that doesn't give a man permission to touch her/rape her. This is so very much true, but I made the comment that I don't think that women should just be sleeping around. While, in fact, i don't really care what every single woman decides to do with her body because that is her business, I just think it's smarter to be protective of yourself because of all of the diseases out there, people who just want to hurt you, and unwanted pregnancy. If you're being safe, great! But you should also protect your emotions too, especially if you're like 16 years old and sleeping with people because you'll most likely regret that later on.

Someone made the comment that I'm narrow-minded and I just think that because I'm religious. Apparently I have to be religious to think that sex should be safe and women should really know their partner. I personally think it's a bit narrow minded of the anonymous person who made that comment about religion solely being like that. Someone also made the comment that I'm an "awful person and killed anything that a good person should be." THAT comment was freaking ridiculous. The fact that I have to stand up for myself to people I don't know via internet is stupid. I guess only "feminists" have opinions.

I don't really think that thinking women should be protective of themselves is sexist. The only reason I used the word "woman" is because that's what the initial post was about. It was talking about WOMEN not being raped because they were "slutty."

Yes, I do believe in God but that had nothing to do with my opinions on the matter.

AHAHAHHAHA.

So, my best friend Kari Lupton (http://flysparrowfly.wordpress.com/) is coming to see me September 25th. I've never been this excited about seeing someone! We've never seen each others faces or been able to hug each other for the five years that we've been the bestest of friends. People get (obviously) a bit creeped out when they find out that we've never actually even met, but I don't give a shit! She's been there for me this entire five years whether it's via text, phone, e-mail, facebook, or webcam and I know that I can always depend on her no matter what.

Five years and we haven't fought once or argued about one thing. I know that I will have the time of my life when she's here! I can't freaking wait. It's so weird to know that we haven't met in five years, and she'll be here in just two weeks exactly from today. THIS IS SO EXCITING!!

So, some people have been driving past me lately yelling "I like your tattoo" when most of my clothing covers half of them, so I get confused...you can't even see it!

Here's the scoop:

This one means the most to me, and it's the most recent one. It's a geisha by Audrey Kawasaki. Her work is mostly female forms of erotic art. I think it's beautiful because it has so much emotion, and coming from a Japanese woman who's family is quite conservative, it's pretty amazing work! So, the story here is very personal but I have no reason to hide it anymore. Two years ago one of my friends raped me. I didn't think much of it at first because I think I was hiding it all inside for quite a long time. I actually just got out of therapy for it last December. Some women get raped at my age, and don't have a breakdown about it until like 20 or 30 years later, surprisingly enough. I went through a lot with it, my mother and I argued a lot over who's fault it was, which made the situation even more straining. But it's very much come to a closure for me at this point in my life, which is big for me so I wanted something to prove how strong I can actually be to remind myself of that strength every single day. I love geisha's and how feminine/delicate they are. They don't typically sleep with men, they are only there to provide entertainment/someone to hang out with. So i had this tattooed to say that men "can't just have me."

This tattoo I was quite disappointed in. My mom is heavily tattooed, and took me to her artist who I don't really like! I asked for a stencil but he ended up doing it freehand, and cursive varies with everyone. It says "motivation" but the "V" is fucked up! Oh well, as long as I know what it means to me, right? I wanted it somewhere on my arm so it could be one of the first things I see when I wake up, and it would be a constant reminder to keep going and get my ass out of bed to live another great day!

 

This one was my very first tattoo about three months after I turned 18 years old. One of my favorite bands at the time was "The Honey Trees" and their EP was titled "Wake the Earth"  which I thought was beautiful. I have this belief that everyone needs to live passionately, and not many do because they either live in fear or are afraid to be themselves/do what they want to do in order to be happy because they fear of what everyone else will think of them and their actions. Lots of people beat around happiness. Live life through love, be happy, be yourself, and never look back. So "wake the earth" just means that people need to awaken and be alive.

So I've realized:

That in the past few months I've gained back like 20-30 lbs. It's pretty nasty. I've stopped working out, and have basically given up running and any sort of exercise for smoking cigarettes. I let myself down so much, and I know the size that I could be but I just never get up off of my ass to do anything about it. I got one of my best friend's Amanda to start exercising a lot, pretty much like daily. I used to be such a health nut, and work-outaholic and now I'm just down and out with a "beer gut" to prove it.

I mainly use my tumblr blog to update things with, mainly because most of my friends use tumblr given the exception of one friend. I wanted something more private, that not everyone from my high school can view because I feel like this is more personal/private to me to track my daily food intake/physical exertion. I've been thinking that I've pretty much tested (almost, I'm not going to touch trying bodily harm or death and what not!) how much my body can take in a negative way, now I really want try turning it into a positive and burning the fuck out of my body to see what type of positive results I can get. Like only eating fruits & veggies for a while, not eating so much fucking dairy (I'm lactose intolerant), and writing down a workout regime for myself to live by each and every day for a little while and just see how my attitude/body responds. I honestly don't plan on giving up smoking cigarettes because I do enjoy having them at hand and in mah bodeh! (So sorry lungs.) But I'm definitely going to cut down so that I can get faster and further (switch those around) with my running and build my stamina back up.

So: for tomorrow!

Wake up at 7am
Take puggle Bella for a walk (down to the arboretum, possibly try for Viktor Allens?)
Take her to Happy Dogz
Go home to Manitou house and eat breakfast (two slices Ezekiel bread, oatmeal, fruit, glass o' water.)
Clean up/re-decorate room
-Accomplish all of thise by 9:15am-
 Hang out with the kids
Make vegan homemade croutons
Do half hour pilates
Stretch
Watch a movie

Eat lunch (Salad w/ greens, homemade croutons, and wheat bread)
Do Yoga

HANG OUT TIME WITH AMANDA. HOPE TO GOD HER MAMA LET'S HER STILL.


Dinner (VEGGIES VEGGIES VEGGIES. Steamed veggies with rice.

Go for a run.

In bed by 10:45pm.

Of course given my age I have tons of time to ponder this, or not ponder this. All of my friends (give the exception of Hillary since she is married to Stian) are in and out of relationships, including myself. I've made a shit ton of mistakes. Letting people manipulate me and use me, letting myself lose my glow, rearranging my life for someone else who doesn't give back, trying way too hard for someone who doesn't try back, losing myself over someone who doesn't really care. I know in my heart that I do try way too hard, and put way too much of myself into a relationship from the get-go. I guess I know that I need to slow my pace and quit jumping into things, but also in my heart I feel like that's what should be happening. Shouldn't you want to get to know so much about that person and just take it all in? When you like someone that much while enjoying their company, it's suppose to feel overwhelming in a positive way. But then again, I have pretty much stopped wasting my time on people who don't deserve it anymore. This was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. I burned myself pretty bad multiple times retrying the lesson and coming up with the same results all of the time and not learning from it.

I always thought that I couldn't handle being on my own because I've pretty much been in a relationship since I was 14-15 years old. My first relationship was the obvious statements: naive, immature, innocent, blind. I was the middle/high school girl with her first boyfriend, so no matter what the situation, I was always in awe-even in the worst of times. The relationship lasted three years. I admit, that was when I was the most unhurt by people, so the feelings I had were so pure. I've become pretty jaded since then, but that's workable.

Ever since I moved to Madison I haven't met this many asshole guys ever! I've learned a lot from my mistakes. That's one things that's different, I'm starting to learn from my mistakes for once! Anyway, so I texted one of my friends saying "I'm tired of dudes." And she replied, "All guys are assholes, to be honest." NOW: i totally beg to differ. Yes, after all of the douches bags I have met, I should be pretty jaded and callous, but after thinking things through in my heart, I don't think that's true and I still have hope. I still have hope that I'll meet the one for me, even if it isn't soon. I have a fuck ton of time, and I'm learning to love myself in the process of being alone so I really cannot complain. The biggest thing is the how you change after being raped. I can't believe I speak publicly about this, I did in my old blog to get my frustrations out. I mean, who really cares though? Why should I not talk about it? The effects are so fucking backwards that people can never guess them and will never understand them. I guess everyone is different in how they deal with it and I've come to find out that I'm not the only one who reacted like I did. You start to seek sex with meaning to actually feel some sort of love. After a few mistakes, you realize that none of them had meaning. Either you continue on that way and never learn that lesson, or stop and wait patiently for someone who understands and will love you no matter what.

Also, a lot of people have been coming to me asking "since when are you religious, Chelsea?" Well, I've always amused the thought of being a Christian and I totally wouldn't call myself that. I can view all religions, it's really not that difficult. It's actually quite a beautiful thing if you can. I think there's less hate/indifference/resentment that way. But even getting to know a little bit of/talking to Brandt Russo here and there was a good thing for me, and having Kari as my nearest and dearest mama bear has helped me so much too. It really shows me that everything happens for a reasons and I should never lose hope.
My perception on my family's dynamic changed quite a bit too this past weekend, and even some today. Being a live-in nanny, we started taking the kids to a place called The Little Gym every Thursday morning. While the big kids play, i look after Berkley while she watches the rest of them. I was looking around at all of the mothers with their tots, and it just made me overwhelmingly love my mother. I used to give her the hardest time because she was single and we never had much money, child support or not. I always felt like I never had enough and would blame it on her because I never really saw what she was going through. It made me think of my Mom playing with me like they were.
One of my brother's friends who has become one of mine was comparing Andrew and I. I've never been able to grasp Andrew in a bunch, and I thought he probably didn't like me/think that much of me at all. After all, I'm "Andrew's little sister." But I'm glad about the talk I had, I even cried because it made me realize a lot of things, things that I wouldn't allow myself to ever think about. I never saw that i was subconsciously shutting them out everyday for so long. We are more alike than I realize, and even though we are polar opposites, we are still so much alike in the way we talk, our mannerisms sense of humor, our words, physical appearance, everything. I'm just way more emotional than he is, well I guess just more outspoken about my feelings. He's the hardcore meat eater and I'm the lactose intolerant vegetarian..Oh and he has the best girlfriend!

Even my friends, I have great friends! Ones that I never saw myself even talking to in high school because my mind was always somewhere else at that time. But that's the way life happens, right?
I read this cute woman's blog and it opened up a lot to me that I still have hope that I won't be alone forever, and I'll have a wonderful relationship someday (hopefully sooner rather than later, but PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE CHELSEA!)
http://mandysuzannereid.blogspot.com/
Everyone should visit it.
Also: It's starting to feel like Fall!